I hate your face
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
