Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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