the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
