Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
