hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i've created a new STD.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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