Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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