I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
