Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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