broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
