Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize