When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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