someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
17 year olds will be the death of me.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize