Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
