I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize