i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
