It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
