I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize