So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
