dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
