Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
