I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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