He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
