respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
