I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
