The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
