he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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