even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize
