Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
