why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
