you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
