my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
