you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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