he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My feet surprised me
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