Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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