The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
