My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
