just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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