Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
