Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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