Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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