I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
