Four minutes until I can fart!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
