First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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