I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
