JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
