I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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