So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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