I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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