holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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