WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
