I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just gargled with NyQuil
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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