I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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