you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
