I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
