Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
