Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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