why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Who died my cat blue again?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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