I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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