I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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