Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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