she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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