I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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