I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
